THE FMA ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!
by kitties control my brain
Summary: Envy, Mustang, Wrath, and Birdy just finished watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show and decide to go take a trip in Dante's PinkyDinkyDoo Time Machine a.k.a. Dante's car. They laugh, they cry, and they barf. Beware, cuz your retinas will burn out.


Disclaimer: don't own FMA. i know, it makes me wanna cry too... :'(

"O.o"

"--"

"Mustang……." Birdy said gritting her teeth in anger.

"What?" Mustang asked.

"Please take my bra off of your head……-sigh-"

"But I'm an airplane pilot! And this is my helmet!" Mustang said, turning back to his spot on the floor and pretending he was driving a plane, making plane sounds.

"Phbttttt! SHHHoooOoOOom!!!! Buuuzzzzzzz!!!!"

"Oi…..but you aren't a pilot mustang….." Envy said with one hand on his hip to make himself look much cooler than he already is.

Mustang turned around and looked at Envy with tears in his eyes. Hopes and dreams crushed. "-shniffles- I AM TOO!!!!!"

"Says who?" Envy asked.

"Says ME!"

"Riiiiiight…." Envy looked over his shoulder. "…your mom is a pilot…" he mumbled.

Birdy looked at Envy. "What?"

"Actually, she is!" Then Mustang gasped in shock "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

"Oh my god, Mustang?"

"What?"

"She isn't a pilot."

"Oh? She's not IS she???" He said accusingly to Birdy.

"No you dolt. She's a baker."

"You mean like a muffin man?"

"Uhhh no. Not at all."

Suddenly, Envy pulled out a microphone and a spotlight hit him directly. His clothes changed to the ones the Professor wears on The Rocky Horror Picture Show during the song "Sweet Transvestite".

"Do you knoooow the muffin man? The muffin maaaan! The muffin maaaan! Do you know the muffin maaan, who lives on Drury Lane!!!!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

Then they all took one step back away from Envy. "Envy, where did you get those clothes? They are identical to Dr.F on The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And that's just creepy." Birdy asked cautiously, but suspiciously at the same time.

"Does the song not fit? Fine then, I shall sing something else!"

Another spotlight hit Envy and curtains appeared behind him, while this time Mustang suddenly changed into strange rapper clothes.

"Promiscuous boy, you already know I'm all alone what you waiting for?" Envy sang.

"Promiscuous girl, you teasing me! You know what I want, and I got what you need!"

AND if Birdy (and the author right now) weren't scared enough, Envy and Mustang started doing a strange version of the Bump And Grind.

"THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!" squealed Birdy from under her bed. "STOP!!!"

Envy and Mustang stopped in mid-grind and looked at Birdy curiously. "Is something wrong?" They both asked in unison.

"Oh! I know!" Envy suddenly had an idea. "I have a brilliant idea!" Which of course, means that it most definitely IS NOT a brilliant idea.

Envy grabbed Birdy's arm and pulled her in between him and Mustang.

Birdy's face is like this!: O.o?!?! "WTF?!?!"

"WTF are you two doing?!?!?!"

Envy and Mustang were trying to do the hip bump while our poor Birdy was stuck in the middle of it.

Birdy (with tears in her eyes) cried out "WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Lust walked down the stairs of the house in her Daffy-Duck Pajamas rubbing her eyes with her fingers. "What are you guys doing NOW?" She looked at Mustang and Envy with a raised eyebrow.

Birdy grabbed onto the stair way banister in a suicidal attempt to save her tortured soul…gasping for air.

"GAAAAH!" She gasped.

Envy and Mustang stopped after about five minutes of realizing that Birdy had been clinging onto Lust's leg out of fear. Birdy pointed at them shaking with utter fear. "S-s-save...meeeeeeeeeee..."

Lust glared at Envy and Mustang. "What the hell are you guys doing NOW???"

Envy suddenly looked like an innocent Catholic school girl, which was incredibly freaky and disturbing because he was still wearing his striper-like costume. (O.o) Mustang however, just smiled like a big idiot. like this: 8D

"We were just having some fun, Mother Dearest!" Envy said.

Screams were heard by passerby's outside of the mansion...

Envy was now lying on the floor in a mangled mess, while Mustang was on the floor with giant water-fall like tears in his eyes begging for mercy. "Have meeercy!!!"

Lust slapped her forehead. "Oh please..."

"What were you guys doing anyways?"

"Watching the Rocky Horror Picture show!" Birdy said.

"We just wanted to be like the Professor!" Envy and Mustang said happily in unison.

"Well you sure are dressed like it..."

Out of nowhere, Wrath walked up the stairs with Dante's shiny-pink car keys. "Hey guys!"

"Ummmm...Wrath? Why do you have those keys?" Birdy asked.

"I wanted to go somewhere! Do you guys wanna come with me?"

"Okay sure." Lust, Envy, Mustang, and Birdy said in unison.

"I'm driving!!!!!" Envy squealed throwing his hands in the air.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!" Birdy screamed. Because lets not forget what happened LAST time that Envy drove...

FLASHBACK DUN DUN DUUUUUUN

"AAAAAAAH!!!!!" Screamed the civilians who were jumping onto light poles, fire escapes, and anything else they could just to dodge the car.

"Envy! Why are you on the sidewalk?!" Birdy yelled.

"Because I CAAAAAAN!"

"No you can't!"

"Says who?!"

"Says a little thing called the 'LAW' and ME!!!"

"Oh look! The civilians left us some fresh red paint for Dante's car!"

"Wrath...that's not red 'paint'..."

END FLASHBACK

"And THAT my children, is why we dont let envy drive a car...EVER."

"Okaaay then, who should drive?" Wrath asked.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Envy, Wrath, Mustang, Lust, and Birdy all pondered for a few...hours...on who should drive. Envy was definitely out. and since Wrath ate Mustangs license, Lust volunteered to drive, but everyone assured her that if she did, then shed break her nails so she didnt drive. But the REAL reason why they persuaded her was cuz they knew that her boobs would be too large to see over and drive.

So they decided to use the Time Machine instead! Which was conveniently placed in Dante's car!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So they all gathered into the "Pinky-Dinky-Doo Time Machine" (as Dante liked to call her car) and started it up!

"Lets turn on the radio!" Birdy turned on the radio REEEEEALLY LOUDLY.

"OH MY GOD I LUV THIS SONG!!!!!!" Mustang screamed.

And so did everyone else.

Why???

Because it was BARBIE GIRL!!!!! EVERYONE LUVS THAT SONG!!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, they all sat in the Pinky-Dinky-Doo singing "I'm a barbie girl! In a barbie wOOOoOOoooorld!"

"Oooooh press this button!" Said Envy, as he pressed the hot pink button that said "Do Not Press Under Any Circumstances, Especially You Envy."

So of course he did what every other normal person...er...thing...would do and pressed it.

When suddenly, the car stopped in front of an old spooky house.

"Uhhh...does anyone know where we are?" Birdy asked.

"Nope." Lust, Envy, Wrath, and Mustang said.

"Great..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They all got out of the car and walked up to the porch step. Birdy reached up and pulled on a very long rope that rang the doorbell.

O.o Was everyone's face.

A hunched over and deformed man opened the door.

"Uhhhh...can we use your phone...or something???" Birdy asked cautiously.

"...right this waaaay..."

"Okay!" They all said oh so very TRUSTINGLY, because there couldn't be anyway POSSIBLE for them to be in trouble, even though the short bald man was ugly and creepy.

"Heeeey, Envy? Should we really be trusting this creepy-guy?" Birdy whispered to Envy.

"Why, of course! I mean, just because he is a creepy short bald man that is ugly, doesn't mean we shouldn't trust him! Besides, he's dressed just like me! And is that very creepy?"

"Uuuuhhhhh...no comment..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But, just as they tried to reassure themselves, the creepy old man turned around and broke out into song. O.O

He led them into a very large room (all the while, still dancing and singing).

All the people in the room spotted them immediately and started to sing.

One weirdo grabbed Envy's arm and swung him around the room.

"Leeeet's doooo the tiiiiime waaaaarp agaAAAAaaaaiiin!!!!!!" They sang.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After much singing and dancing with some creepy strangers that couldn't POSSIBLY do them any harm, a loud clanging was heard coming from an elevator, which had not been noticed before (oh how convenient).

The elevator reached the floor, and a loud bang of music was heard coming from nowhere.

"What was that?" Wrath asked.

"Not a clue, but I'm afraid we're about to find out..." Birdy said.

The elevator door flew open, and a freaky white man with EXTREMELY curly black hair came out of the elevator with a cape on.

"Why, heeLLOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Said the freaky white man, right before he whipped his cape off and revealed a terrifying site to the poor world of him wearing a striper outfit that was actually MORE revealing than Envy's AND Mustang's outfits COMBINED. Many faints were heard, along with loud screaming.

"SHIELD YOUR EYES SMALL CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lust smacked Wrath in the face, trying to cover his eyes and shield him from sight at which could cause to go not only insane, but burn out his retinas.

"Ouch!" Wrath ouched in pain.

Birdy's eye twitched, Envy smiled with glee, and Mustang jumped in front of Birdy. "Do not look at any other man but me!" He said in a strangely almost protective way (which was even more scary than it sounds because imagine trying to keep a straight face hearing Mustang say that while wearing a striper suit. Not a possible task.)

"QUITE SAYING THAT KIND OF STUFF YOU FREAK!!!!!!!!!"

"But-"

"BUT NOTHING YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!" Birdy punched Mustang in the face. Mustang collapsed with waterfall tears in his eyes and fell to the ground dramatically.

"...I-I'll always remember you...Birdy..." He said holding his hand to his chest where a person who actually HAD a heart would have one. Mustang lost his in a freak accident when Envy, Wrath, Edo, and Al decided to play 'doctor' and instead of using kids toys, they used a giant butcher knife to open him up. They sewed him back up with a strip of Sour Twizzler and some glue.

"Welcome to my MAAAaaaaanSiiioooOOoooOoOoOoOonnnnn!!!!!!"

"Oh my god...did you really have to say it like that?" Envy said with his hands on his hips like an old lady:D

"Yes...no...wait, let me think about that one..." The creepy white man turned to a corner and crouched down thinking very hard while mumbling to himself. Oh the horrific site of him crouching down just proved further why men should never be stripers, professors, or creepy white men with black curly hair and a suspicious looking man answering the door...and also why the lord created women by taking off a few extra "thingies".

Lust barfed in the corner at the site, which caused Birdy to barf, which caused Wrath to barf who barfed on Mustang, causing him to swallow some of Wrath's barf and then causing him to barf and choke at the same time, which caused Envy to barf. It was a barfing party!

The creepy white man turned around in horror at the site of people barfing on his newly waxed floors.

"Oh NOOOOOooOOoOOooooOoOoOooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wrath turned around holding his stomach and heaving. "Don't...say it like...that...-blarf-" Wrath then walked up to the freak-boy and barfed on his shoes.

"NOOOO!!!! NO BARFING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He pointed one index finger towards the top of the elevator. "Quickly! I must find a cure for all this barfing madness!!!!!!!!"

okay, this is where i stop for now. its late, and i havent slept in three days, so im just gonna stop here, barf, swallow my own barf, and barf some more. Oh, and im gonna fit some sleep in there too as well...-yawns- god, i hate these fucking finals...i better pass my algebra I final or im gonna go shoot myself... 


End file.
